How to Be Kind in an Unkind World

Many of us are feeling drained—not just by the cold days of winter but also by the antagonism and rapid changes in our world. As we step into spring, a season of renewal, I’ve been reflecting on and teaching about self-compassion.

Some of the questions I’ve been asking my students include:

• How can I soften toward myself?
• How can I nurture myself through challenges?
• Where in my life do I need more compassion?

Lately, we’ve explored:

• What self-compassion really is—the practice of becoming your own best friend.
• Its benefits—a happier, more productive life with less stress, greater resilience, and even better heart health.
• The inner critic—how this voice in our head, though often harsh, is actually trying to protect us, and how balancing it with an inner caregiver can help.

(If you’re curious about where you stand, take the Self-Compassion Test)

But as I teach, I always remember a student who once asked me:

"How do I stay kind in an unkind world?" 

Have you ever wondered the same?

It’s easy to talk about self-compassion when life is calm, when people are understanding, when we feel safe. But what happens when the world pushes back? When a coworker is rude, when demands pile up, when you feel stretched too thin?

Boundaries as an Act of Self-Compassion

One of the most compassionate things we can do for ourselves is set boundaries.

• Have you ever said “Yes” when your heart was screaming “No”?
• Have you ever taken on too much out of guilt or obligation?
• Have you ever prioritized someone else’s needs so much that you lost yourself?

If so, you’re not alone. Many of us—especially women—have been conditioned to believe that saying “No” is selfish. That being accommodating is what makes us kind. That being available to everyone, at all times, is what makes us valuable.

But here’s the truth: You can be kind and still set boundaries. You can be compassionate and still protect your energy. You can be loving and still say "No." 

What Do You Need?

A core question of self-compassion is: What do I need? 

Take a moment to reflect. What do you need right now?

• More rest?
• A drink of water or a bathroom break?
• Space from a draining relationship?
• Time alone, just for you—without guilt?

If we are truly practicing self-compassion, we have to take responsibility for our own well-being. Our needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. And we are the only ones who can ensure they are met.

Boundaries are an act of fierce self-compassion. They declare: 

• I value myself.
• My time is important.
• My energy is worth protecting.

Saying "No" Without Guilt

One of the biggest struggles with boundaries is guilt.

• But they’ll be disappointed… 
• But they need me… 
• But what if they get upset? 

I understand. I’ve been there.

I remember a time when I gave up a night with my son because I felt obligated to show up for someone else. It wasn’t a bad thing to do. But afterward, I felt drained, resentful, and sad. The truth? It would have been kinder to myself to say “No.” 

Can you think of a time when you said “Yes” when you really wanted to say “No”?

What would have happened if you had honored your needs instead?

Finding the Balance

Boundaries aren’t about shutting others out completely. Human connection is essential. But too often, we prioritize others at the expense of ourselves. And when we do, we’re not really offering them our best—we’re offering what’s leftof us.

Why Women, in Particular, Need Boundaries

A 2003 study from the University of Maryland found that women:

• Have less personal time than men.
• Enjoy their free time less—often worrying about responsibilities even when they do have a break.
• Carry more of the household and caregiving responsibilities.

Does that sound familiar? The constant juggling act of work, family, relationships, and self-care can feel overwhelming. But what if we reclaimed some of our energy through boundaries?

Compassion Isn’t Just for Others—It’s for You Too

When we talk about compassion, we often think of being kind to others. But compassion also means including yourselfin the circle of care.

When you set a boundary, you are saying:

• I am worthy of rest.
• I deserve time to recharge.
• My needs matter, too.

And when you do this, you don’t just benefit—you show others that they, too, have permission to care for themselves. You become an example of what self-compassion in action looks like.

Where Do You Need to Set a Boundary?

So I invite you to reflect:

• What is one small way you can honor your needs this week?
• Where in your life do you feel stretched too thin?
• What is one boundary you could set to bring more balance and ease into your days?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s start this conversation—because self-compassion isn’t just a concept. It’s a practice. And it’s much easier to practice in a supportive, compassionate community.

Mattingly, M. J., & Bianchi, S. M. (2003). Gender differences in the quantity and quality of free time: The U.S. experience. Social Forces, 81(3), 999-1030. https://academic.oup.com/sf/article-abstract/81/3/999/2234735